Seeing a friend smile after a tremendous loss, and a rose for each of us in remembrance of him.
My circumstances have begun to change tremendously in which I then seem to follow. I graduated college. I moved out on my own for the first time, ever. And with all of that, I now question my existence and I really miss my family in one sweet, humble home.
I normally am not very good with change; at least in the initial stages of it all. (Emo-tional, you guys).
But when I take a step back, when I cut off the thought, "I wish I were still a kid," I realize I don't need to be 7 again to enjoy life. I've enjoyed every stage life has offered me. Everyone hated junior high and couldn't wait till high school; not me. Then, come senior year, everyone loathed high school; but man, did I weep on sweet, Mrs. Struckman's white blouse (and cover it with black mascara), on our last day at Oak Hills High School. I will say, come the end of college, I was eager to get on with it. Unfortunately, the motivating factor for me to graduate as soon as possible was the thought of how much debt I've accrued. Otherwise, I'd have to say, I would probably stay in college for... like, ever if I could. (Go Bearcats).
Through these stages, I can think back to all the people, events, activities, teammates, teachers, coaches that have come and gone, and all I can remember is loving all of it and loving all of them. Now, of course no matter the age, life has its sour moments, but we persevere, we suck it up, which brings us to where we are now.
So, here I am. 22, fresh out of college and out from under my mom's roof. And all of this is exciting; it's fun and it's liberating. The world is my friggin' oyster, damn it. Yet, I worry myself sick. Literally, I think I have made myself physically sick a time or two with making myself believe I need to have all the answers.
Shut up, Lex. Who has all the answers? Don't let the thought of not having answers keep you from going forward.
I think the biggest discourager to blame is ourselves. I know that to be true for me. I make up these insecurities in my head--some of them feel as if they don't even belong to me they are that deceitful. Certain thoughts that run through my mind are things I would never want anyone else to feel or think, so why think them for myself? Thoughts like these are called lies (well, derr - I have a point, okay). And they run through all of our heads. When they pop in your head, you have to redirect your focus and remind yourself of who you are, who you belong to and remember that the truth in who you are is just that; TRUTH. Truth is everlasting, eternal... whereas lies are temporary--unless you allow otherwise. But don't! Take heart! When a lie sparks in you, pray; focus on the good truths about who you are.
Although I'm only 22, my life has meant something thus far. Just one person telling me that I've made them feel beautiful, that I had introduced them to Jesus, encouraged them in anyway, or even gave them a simple smile, are things that make this [lovely, crappy, crazy, and lovely all over again] life, all worth it.
Since graduating college, I've begun to nitpick my life, thinking that maybe I'll find something in it that will open my eyes to what it is I want to do. What stands out is my love for people. I love people. I love getting to know them, hearing the brilliant, silly, heart-wrenching, crazy things you all have to say. And as I listen, I learn about you. And maybe not everything you say is perfectly poised or sweet, but I feel I have a gift to find the good in you, all of you. (Pessimists, call me crazy). But, I believe this to be true of myself, and as I find the good, I like to let you know it. I want you to hear it and believe it. I, above all, want to make people feel good about themselves. And now that I'm about $20,000 in debt, I hope that I can use that godforsaken degree to help my gifts flourish, somehow. I'm not sure what that looks like yet--what "company" it will lead me to, what "title" it will give me, or even what city it will take me to, but that's what I want to do, folks. And I'll be honest, I'm not sure what my first step should be from here, but that's okay; baby steps. My first decision doesn't have to be permanent and I don't have to have all the answers. As I go, I am going to try my best to lighten up on myself and enjoy the process.
I'll keep you updated on my journey as I continue to learn more about myself and learn more about all of you.
These photos are ones that remind me of how pretty and sweet life really is.
Thanks for reading.
Friends helping friends with a blog post: Meggy and Anna Banana.
One of the many sappy, yet wonderful texts from, Dad.
My church provides us with amazing "Prayer Experiences." This year's included structures that you could climb/sit on and fully immerse yourself in. Climbing to the top and conquering the waves made your prayer to God come to life.